What to do? Hubby drives drunk with our kids! - today.com I was trying to figure out how to phrase it. From Voyager, for some odd reason, The Q and the Grey really struck a chord with me and actually made me challenge all of my beliefs regarding what is beyond humanity. Who knows what interests of your husbands she may learn to appreciate if she were more exposed to them. Losing the . Why cant he ask simple questions about what is her favorite episode and why? I promise, the daughter will remember and cherish the efforts. July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. You didnt cause the problem, and you cant fix it. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. To me, I imagined them insisting on listening to Buffy podcasts in the car Something that would make me either toss the ipod out the window or leave certain people at the curb, painted_lady And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. Ross was telling me the other day that his dad took him deep sea fishing a couple times when he was younger. Youre mad at your dad, not at me! Parents can gaslight their children and definitely their daughters-in-law, whether they realize that's what they're doing or not. Really not sure why I waited so long. Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) Hes let me know so many times that when hes had a hard day, he loves a home-cooked meal, watching his favorite show, going to sleep, and then making love in the morning. Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. July 2, 2013, 12:51 pm. That was what I meant about finding articles that the daughter would be interested in at first. So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad. I cant think of a single interest that we shared from when I was a teenager that I didnt learn from him in some way. Is It True? There are also a bunch of shows on the history channel or the science channel about science-fiction kind of stuff. Parents have rolled their eyes at teenage pop drek for generations. We have a 1-year-old daughter together. During the summer especially, our kids both have homework that may include working on actual homework-like assignments or getting a privilege after answering X number of questions correctly on our American Trivia game (history, pop culture, geography, etc). Heck, I even had a stringer attached to my waders. 2. ! He rolls his eyes and tries to get them to stop talking about stuff that theyre interested in. That means the communication isnt effective and it may be that your husband has to hear this from someone outside the situation. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. Even if they like different kinds of books (fantasy vs. history, for example), if they both like to read, Dad can take her to Barnes & Noble and buy her a novel and a cup of coffee. I dont understand the amount of hating on fandom today. Oh, how fun for all three of you to just sit around endlessly for hours while the dvd player spins Buffy endlessly And then, next, comes Angel! If your husband wants a good relationship with his daughter he must first quit disparaging her and her interests and he must quit rolling his eyes. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Maybe not the way it is being done (which Im not sure how that is) but it is possible to make it fun and even do it as a family. She is also noncompetitive. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. It is definitely a good idea for the LW to lead her daughter by example by showing an interest in Dads interests and even suggesting an outing that he would like or that all of them would enjoy. In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. Hell, even back in my day it wasnt that hard. honeybeenicki He showed me culture, gave me an enjoyment of the arts and it was one on one time that was genuine. Heck Yes! Without respect there will be no relationship. Heck yeah. And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here. All other things aside, Im actually a fan of those assignments. I guess I dont know exactly how he does it, but in our house we have things like that but with politics/government because I believe it is truly important to understand our government, how it works, how it doesnt work, and how our beliefs affect our views. A: There are two things to consider here. Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. Instead, you never know how they are going to react to a given situation. They loved the entire concept and they loved the show. If you find that the conflict is escalating or if there is name-calling or other disrespectful behavior, its time to intervene. Frankly, I dont know ANYBODY who had such strange mutual worships WITH their parents I dunno, back in the 1980s most parents were actually grown ups, I guess. My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. We were never close because by the time I was a teenager, I felt like I couldnt be my own person around him and like I was always walking on eggshells so as not to pick the wrong activity to occupy myself with. I actually had the opposite relationship growing up. Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. Once they believe that true love need not be obligatory and that intimacy is not automatically correlated with entrapment, they are often eager to learn new ways to make their needs and fears knownand let love in. Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. Anyway, a person shouldnt be forced to read something they find boring, but I think that its reasonable for the dad to try to encourage that so that she grows up knowing theres stuff outside of her pop culture interests. I planned everything exactly the way he liked and it went down just like I thought it would. Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? | Or else hes doing a disservice to her. The meaning of driving a car in a dream - WellBeing Magazine Too little time to post! The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. I dont care if he thinks her shows are boring his wife and daughter deserve respect. Tom Pettys Southern Anthem was the first CD I ever owned. I had loving parents, and I thought Wendy was off and the dad seems a bit off and sounds degrading. Gently explain that you're not happy approaching this guy because you think he's simply not interested and that, if she continues to chase him, she's leaving herself open to more hurt and disappointment. (even though his tone and demeanor sound indefensively harsh, cruel and mean.). Not talking on cell phones, thats where. He even told me the next day that he was the luckiest guy in the world. When I was a kid, I shared a lot of interests with my mom, too, and not as many with my dad. So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions. Lily in NYC July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. My stepfather and my mother told me I was weird and that Id regret it because Id never be popular or normal, or get boys to like me. I dont see the comparison between telling a small child about healthy eating habits and forcing them to eat veggies and this situation. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. And something about him wanting the daughter to be more competitive just struck me the wrong way. And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. That doesnt mean you cant enjoy shared interests together, but just do so as mother and daughter, not BFFs. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm. Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. They do need the help of their partners to learn to love in this new way. When I asked why she didn't say something to him then, she said that they only ever talk about college stuff and the moment never seems to be quite right. So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. That being said, its important to have fun hobbies, and I agree with their is a balance. You got a long with him just fine before she got in to this stage in life, and you need to act like a grown-up every once in a while, because this guys is losing his wife and his daughter, partly because you want to be her friend more than her parent all of the time. They clearly saw that parent as the good guy, and are unconsciously playing out the same part, unable to stop giving even when it cannot be reciprocated. only in his mind is one of the most well-written and saddest things ever produced on television. Hopefully she'll see the sense in this and be able to move on. Or its hilarious I have seriously never watched football in my life, so I once got called on to do a touchdown dance. I think some of Wendys advice is accurate, you need to encourage the relationship between father and daughter. Exactly! Thats still not OK. When I was a kid, my mom was always kind of a dick about going to see my dads family, so it was usually just him and me. (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). My dad would also try to do things we liked. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. The episode where Picard experiences an entire lifetime with a wife, children, grandchildren etc. temperance He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. You're surely not alone. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. I think she may have deactivated. You dont always get to do the things you want and sometimes have to compromise. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. Lastly, the article idea isnt a bad one, but hes going about it all wrong. How so? "Caught between husband and daughter" - Click FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. Im also a 31-year-old fangirl so this might not just be a phase that shell grow out of, haha. I mean ever. Another possibility is that her husband doesnt understand how to connect with his daughter on an emotional level. findingtheearth All rights reserved. Instead, try to understand why they are pulling away and what you can do to support them during this time. This can cause a lot of tension in the family. When Spouses Disagree About Parenting - Positive Parenting Totally agree on the respect issue. Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. We cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if we are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell us to stop because it annoys him. From one mom to another. But mom, dont do the us versus him. Eventually I grew up and learned to appreciate these things, and I can look back and say wow, my dad was so great and modeled the type of behavior I should show. Also, my father took me to the new Disney movie every year. Wed do something hed want to do (touring a waste water treatment plant seriously), and then wed do something I wanted to do a couple weeks later (he took me to see Rent when I was 13!). It was nothing but glassy-eyed stares and yawning. It should be a crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. You know at the beginning of the last indiana jones movie where indie comes running home and needs to ask his dad something but his dad makes him count to 10 in latin? I was struck by the fact that your husbands eye-rolling is the number one signifier of contempt an emotion that is known to signal marital unraveling and other relationship dissolution. Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? They gave me a mixtape with a whole bunch of different Beatles on it, and I am still a huge Beatles fan to this day. My mistake then we read the play and watched the movie, and they went NUTS for the story. While I do agree that you should be encouraging your daughter to share your husbands interests with him (and that includes showing an interest yourself), LW, I think a lot of this falls onto your husband doing kind of a crappy job at parenting. You shouldnt belittle her hobbies because shes more cultured than you , lets_be_honest Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons. If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. When you are in the same space with someone who is watching TV all day or farting often or slurping their coffee or whatever, unless you get away from them you will most likely explode. These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. Good musicals can be complex and beautiful and again, deal with some pretty mature themes. Why is my husband driving my daughter away?. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3','ezslot_1',103,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3-0'); My daughter seems to resent my husband, and my husband just doesnt seem to know how to connect with her. 6napkinburger I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. . 6napkinburger July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason. If youre finding that your husband and daughter dont seem to be getting along, it can be a difficult situation to deal with. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), but it only means you need to step up and be MORE parental, which includes putting your daughters interests first. You dont always have to act like a 12 year old girl in her presence. I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . First, remember that it is normal for there to be some conflict between a parent and child. Driving a car in dreams can reveal thoughts and feelings about who or what is controlling your life, how in or out of control you feel, and how clear you are about your goals or destination in life. Act like one. Its rude for an adult to behave that way towards another adult, and its downright hurtful to do it to your child. Heck no! At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. I just told her she wasnt allowed to ramble off all the names of plants/flowers unless I specifically ask as I really dont care (it would be like me telling her sports stats all day). What kind of history and science is your husband into? You know what, I thought you were going to lay in hard when I first started reading, and I was thinking to myself Oh fuck, hes going to hit on all her worst innermost thoughts and shes just going to run screaming away from DW but frankly, I think you are completely right. Manage Settings I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. Most of them are women. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her. My dad probably had no interest in my piano recitals or spelling bees, but he sure knew how to act like they were the most important things in the world to him. Usually, yes your car insurance coverage should extend to anyone else driving your car. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. This mother needs to chill out a bit. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. . Oh and shes also going hiking with her dad this weekend because I told her to suck it up and get her ass in gear and tell her dad she wants to go, oh and shes also taking spinning classes with him this fall because her size 0 ass isnt gonna last forever with the way she eats spaghetti since she shares my DNA. But the show as a whole, awesome. Its tough when you realize that your husband and daughter dont get along. bittergaymark but this might be the best Ive ever read here. Well I disagree with the context, but not the actual content, of this advice. Thats probably what her daughter is reacting to, and she probably sees her father as a bully. Im still mad at my parents for allowing me to grow up without listening to Led Zeppelin. And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. So, dont deprive your daughter of the sort of things you learn about life when doing not fun things with one of your parents. The comments seem to be about split on this issue. Tell them in detail what you like about them. Definitely. Did nobody notice this in the OPs letter? It should open up LWs eyes to the reality of the situation. Older and (hopefully) wiser I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. First let me say that my daughter is getting married and her dad is no help. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. But I would say that Dad needs to try not to do the whole disparaging remarks thing. Contact Us. . Also, by disparaging the hobbies of the daughter, he is also disparaging his wifes interests. I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. July 2, 2013, 11:04 am. Instead of a camping trip they could go for a bike ride together, with a friend, or walk a trail in a local park. They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. "My Husband's Pushing My Daughter Away" - Dear Wendy Im going to disagree here, Wendy, and say that I think your response is filtered through your own happy, loving experience. July 2, 2013, 12:00 pm, Haha, I know your story honey, and am very jealous of your mom. The kids moved away first then the ex followed them Needless to say visits with his kids are rare. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. Mommy and daddy love each other. Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. I think I read this differently than Wendy. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. I think this is a great point. But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. Awesome show full of information. I cant believe you didnt address that. Um, not so much.