difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

Thats indifference. When we met he said he wanted a life partner a serious relationship! "Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort," Owen said. Lavendar, the fact that youre taking this all in means that on some level you have self-preservation. They prevent the other party from repairing the relationship. Sadly, in its effort to garner empathy, a grudge ends up depriving a. It doesnt mean you need to have hateful feelings towards them, but its just sheer survival instinct on your end to step away from the nonsense. Even knowing that wasnt enough for me, I apparently needed a hefty dose of agonizing pain before I finally had my fill and got burned so bad Ill never want to be in that pit again. Believe them. So, instead of braving the nasty weather to spend hours with people that I dont really want to get to know, I stayed in with a glass of red and watched a movie and had a lovely time! Rakel D, ed. He is no idiot, otherwise I would not need to give him a second thought. I dont have to try to convince myself that the EUM will eventually come around just to indirectly, silently protect his ego. Well then, yes, I have decided that I wont ride that Ferris Wheel again.. I was in the waiting room of my specialist when tht little gem arrived by text, & cut him cold. Did we do anything to earn His forgiveness? , Revolution- Thanks for your understanding and patience with me as well. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life. The word grudge is typically used to refer to such a feeling when it has been held for a long period of timeoften longer than is considered normal. There are some tips Ive learned which may or may not work for you but I hope theyll lead to a better understanding of how we can refocus our thoughts. Thank God, today I can chalk it up to experience. Hey, hes acting that way, why do I think its OK for him and its not OK for me??? I am filled with anger although we have very limited contact. When I heard him say that it made me really question him, also I was thinking that maybe he was saying it to brag to his friend and didnt really mean it. Its driving me a bit crazy! Im interested in using the past and holding a grudge and how that affects how you interact with people today. I am beyond crushed that he sent just 2 lame text messages after he said he had no time for a relationship. He can protect his own ego by staying away from me and working on improving himself as I move on. But I dont forget, so I just suck up the awkward icy cordial thing when I see his wife now. I know that this need not happen to you, and I hope it never does play out like this for you. And awareness. I have told all my friends that I wanted to hear none of it, and would not be able to participate in common friendships- since I dont see him as my friend. In my opinion its ALL there when you look behind the curtain. Quite early on he said he wasnt ready for another relationship (the last one was a year ago, and he feels suffocated in relationships), but that he wanted to try with me. 2023 Copyright 2019 Reach Out Recovery, Inc. All Rights Reserved. I am able to focus on the crap he did and realize I do not want another helping. I gather OLD has a lot of people who have that agenda. He has shown you who he is, now act on it! Ive taken this year to get happy on my own, and for the most part i am, except Im having major lack of confidence in moving forward and dating again. Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that youre secretly harboring a grudge. Finally I am single and learning to be alone regardless of how much I resisted this in the past. I cant turn off deep, authentic feelings. that I was not OK with acting like friends and that he should have had the guts to tell me it was over instead of disappearing. Holy cow he just broke up with me 4 days prior you hope Im doing great???? Choose to forgive the person who's offended you. He has respected my wishes however I feel like I lost a friendship entirely different convo. Sometimes, you may find that you're holding a grudge even if you're doing so unintentionally. THANK YOU! Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. I will not let this experience defeat me. I promise you that woman holds grudges. Grudges are a form of punishment. I think its most important for starters that you stop with the new guy, explain that you cannot continue because you are not over your ex and then stop dating for the time being. Your response is keeping me strong. Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them. Note from the examples: But when he comes to get our son by the time he drops him off later in the day he hovers asking how im doing acting all caring. We were supposed to discuss this on a Tuesday morning, but on the Monday night, I received this text message, I know I said that we would talk in the morning but I wont be able to do that. If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is. I think it is fine that he knows that I do not think hes a good guy deserving of me letting bygones be bygones. . What a bullet you dodged. Bless you for your response. Its like my old AC all over again. But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life. For me, its BAD men. Lol. How did that statement make you feel? Tinkerbell People date those they work with, who go to the same church, the same college, friends of friends, and neighbours. Yoghurt- Thank you. I know that getting over this has to be an inside job for me and Im frustrated that I still feel stuck going on a year and a half. Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are, Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. Theres nothing for me to be angry about, but because Im so hung up in being a good Christian I dont want to hurt him. Did I learn lessons along the way? This reminds me of the dance AC whom I recently brushed off as having a flirting fetish and who my mother insisted liked me (so I let my guard down an inch). AAAArrrrggggg!! Knowing what sorts of things might mean that youre holding a grudge, even if you dont think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward. Still, forgiveness is possible even if reconciliation isn't. If you're mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, that's another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. Yet, I cant go on hurting myself. so I dropped him. Were not holy rollers or bible thumpers but we do believe and we do attend church every Sunday. If we combine this information with your protected He deserves a guilty conscience. I still feel Ive done the right thing, and I am relieved, but in other ways I dont know that Ill ever be really free of him. Its been three years since we parted and I no longer feel pain over what happened. You are right that God didnt say were are to be chumps and Jesus isnt one, either. Thanks for the advice. Good for you and your new found strength! %%EOF It takes time and effort and SPACE (emotional space) to look at our relationship patterns so as to eventually be able and willing to have an honest conversation with ourselves. anyways, i still miss my ex and his daughter. And not in a self-righteous, look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife way, but in a genuine, humble way. I was having a real rough time in my life a couple of years ago and attracted about 5 different personality disorder types into my life(including NPD). Somehow it feels less amazing than we thought it would once we are over someone and they contact us, I think (Im not there yet, but so I have heard). Years may have passed since the event, but remembering it still makes your blood boil. "Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you," Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC, a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. Not ringing or checking on his son all week is busting my boundries but I wont tell him how awful I think this is, because they wont and dont see anything but themselves. I hope these help. But even if you tend to hold a grudge, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving. I feel much better for having gone ahead and done this because it needed closure in my own head and only I could give that to me, by taking action and hoping to christ that I was enough of a different and stronger person not to fall into the same trap again. It's understandable. He never apologised. Mayo Clinic does not endorse companies or products. I accepted that I have always been different to this group of people (and I can say that nothing has changed given the connections to old school chums through Facebook). Grace answered beautifully. It's less. I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. But I fear that I can slip anyday, and become trusting/gullible or a people pleaser and this post reminds me not to. Too awkward whether its going well or going down the tubes. I know its very common, people looking to connect when the corpse of their marriage is not yet cold heck, the marriage likely isnt even a corpse, more like on life support but the thought of stepping into that muck is so unappealing I just shake my head. Any use of this site constitutes your agreement to the Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy linked below. Practice empathy. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation. There's a difference between moving on from something that hurt you and forgiving people who don't deserve it. Do yourself a huge favor: dont try to make him more than he is. I have finally, finally made the break from my husband, after years of disrespectful and sometimes abusive behaviour. CC, I laughed when you said he reminded you of the guys on Big Bang Theory. Phone call would have made me more pouty, I am sure. He came over to chat like an old friend and I introduced him to my friend. This again pulls the focus back on you and makes you look forward to the future. At all. But, same thing happens, again and again. He tried to get me to meet him and called but I just texted and escalated after some wine. Check out these best-sellers and special offers on books and newsletters from Mayo Clinic Press. Perfect explanation Sparkle! The person isnt going to (maybe cant) repay his debt to us so trying to collect the debt is futile. Sandy- my daughter felt the same w my ex AC. He doesnt need to know that you forgive him, you do. Is it your mother, your sister, your significant other who is toxic or shows signs of narcissism? Thank you so much for putting it into words. It sounds like you did your research on learning about Narcs. I am paralyzed even after all this time with a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I at first could not believe what was happening and thought something must be terribly wrong with me if I feel possessive/territorial about my friends. All of the progressromancebeautymagic was gone when he decided to undo everything by taking some heavy-duty drugs, and denying same while tremors beset his face and hands, and while perseverating while rocking in his seat. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. This isnt the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! I wrote this before I read some of the other posts about forgiveness. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people.